The Bacterium and the Blue Whale - Episode Three
A white whale seeks professional help to overcome his blues.
by Martin Smith
‘Doc … <sob> … are you there? … <sob>,’ Physeter called out into the pitch dark of the Mariana Trench.
The Doc’s two orbs, green and luminescent, lit up next to Physeter’s left eye.
‘What? Who’s there? Physeter? Back again? I only saw you two weeks ago. I thought by now you’d be the most loved creature throughout the oceans of the world.’
‘I was, almost. But now I’ve a … <sob> … broken heart. And to be truthful, Doc, I’m feeling quite … <sob> … blue.’
‘Blue, still? Tell me, on the palette of blue, how blue would you say you feel?’
‘Umm … well … <sniffle> … I’d say … umm …<sniffle> … ocean blue.’
‘Oh dear, that blue. What or whom broke your heart?’
‘Well, Doc, I took your advice and headed north, but I never met your aunt. One day, as I was passing through the Philippine Sea—and my despondency and loneliness were peaking—I spotted ahead amidst the interminable blue a white dot. As I swam closer, the dot grew in size until I gasped, for there before me approached a whale. A big, beautiful, bleached cow. For me, it was love at first sight.
‘With my heart beating at a thousand knots, I greeted her, gave her a toothy grin and introduced myself. She returned a dazzling smile and told me her name was Ova.
‘I told her she was drop-dead gorgeous, and she told me I was an absolute spunk. Then before I knew it, I asked her to marry me. And guess what? She said yes!
‘She told me she thought no one was ever going to ask her to marry and that she’d spent the last six months roaming the western Pacific, looking for a husband-to-be, but there just seemed to be a dearth of bulls willing to commit long-term. And she added that given our lack of pigment and our huge heads, we were a perfect pairing. I was wrapped, Doc, for I had found myself a Filipino bride.
‘A wunderpus octopus drifted by and I asked him if he’d conduct our nuptials. He was happy to oblige as long as we promised he wasn’t on the wedding breakfast menu.
‘So there Ova and I were, drifting side by side before our celebrant and ourselves giddy with excitement. I tell you, Doc, I had never felt so loved and so in love than at that moment. I swear I could have burst with bliss.
‘I was asked if I, Physeter, would take Ova to be my lawfully wedded wife. Looking into her beautiful eyes and with my heart bursting with love, I replied a jubilant “I do”. The celebrant turned to Ova and asked if she, Ova, would take me as her lawfully wedded husband. And she gave a bridal blush and replied a blissful “I—”. But she never completed her vow, Doc, for with a surging whoosh a huge harpoon appeared out of nowhere and pierced her right eye, passed through her brain and exited her left eye.
‘She was gone, Doc, and my heart broke. I’ve not stopped sobbing since that fateful moment. Oh, Doc, I’m not sure I can go on. I’m losing the will to live. Had I a couch, I think I’d swoon. Had I a tissue, I think I’d cry me an ocean. Had I a discernible wrist, I think I’d slash it.’
‘There, there, let’s not be too dramatic.’
‘Hey, that’s not very professional, nor very empathetic. I’m looking for a little support here.’
‘My apologies. Look, I’m sure out there in the big, blue sea there’s another—’
‘No, Doc, you’re wrong. Ova was unique. One of a kind. And the love of my life. I know I’ll never find love like that again. No, no more love for me. To be truthful, I’m beyond that now. I’ve moved on. I want something more. Yes, all I want now is to be, well, adored.’
‘Adored, you say? Well, if you wish to be adored—utterly adored—then I prescribe you head east. Yes, east to the west coast of the USA. To Hollywood, my anaemic friend. That’s where you’ll find adoration. I’ve an old college buddy there, Sly Snide, an anglerfish who is an agent in the movie business. He’ll make you a star; indeed, he’ll make you the most adored star in the world.’
‘Oh, Doc, that sounds wonderful. Somehow I suspect I’ll be a natural. Thanks.’
‘My pleasure. Good luck and book another consult if things don’t work out. And remember to avoid V. vulnificus.’
‘Will do—’
But the two luminescent orbs suddenly disappeared, leaving Physeter in pitch darkness.
