FLETCHER THE KANGAROO: LIFE AND DEATH - CHAPTER NINETEEN By Kristine Fitzgerald

Have you read the previous chapters yet?

For the first time since Fletcher had returned to this world, he felt he could now really do some exploring of his own. He was in his place—his place that he had created—and even though he might not remember every bit of it, he now had the chance to have a good look around. No-one else was here except Silkie and even she seemed to have picked up on his need for some alone time.

He felt as excited as he used to as a little joey before a big day out with his dad. This was his place—his trees, his grass, his mountains and his stream. There was so much to see that he wasn’t sure where he wanted to start. He hopped down to the water and swam across to the other side. As he climbed out he noticed that the terrain was different. Instead of being covered with grass, the ground had a layer of pine needles on it. And instead of being open to the warmth of the sun, this side of the stream was overshadowed by the mountains, giving it more of a cool, damp feel.

Fletcher stood on the side of the stream and took in the scenery before him. He longed to climb to the top of the mountains but he thought it would take too long to get there. There must be another way.

Remembering Silkie’s words, he wondered if he could somehow get to the top without climbing all the way. Use your mind, she had said. He wondered if he really could use his mind to get all the way to the top.

Doubting it would really work, he decided to have a go anyway. When he and Silkie had left their pod her instruction to him had been, Hold a picture in your mind. So, Fletcher imagined that he was standing up on top of the middle mountain, looking down over the stream. He closed his eyes and imagined he was taking in the view beneath him, watching the water flow past as the stream curved around the bend. He pictured gazing upwards and having a full panoramic view, extending in all directions around him.

At that moment, he felt a cool breeze brush against his cheek. That’s odd, he thought to himself. I haven’t felt the wind since I was on earth. I’m trying to get up to the top of the mountain but instead I’m creating a breeze. Giving up, he opened his eyes to discover that he was on top of the mountain! “Crikey,” he said out loud. “I did it!”

He hopped around, unable to contain his excitement. He had just successfully moved himself to the top of his very own mountain! The view was even more spectacular than what he had imagined. He could see the contrast between the pine trees on this side of the stream and the gum trees on the other. He could see the water flowing past, and even from this high up he noticed the light catching on the ripples. He really started to get a sense of his own power. I did this by myself! I got here all by myself and I made this place by myself. This is so good!

Up on top of the mountain, the landscape seemed very similar to that in which Fletcher had lived his last life. It took a moment or two before he could figure out exactly why—his place down below and his pod both had rocks, trees and grass—but up here it felt slightly cooler. That was it. There was a crispness in the air that really distinguished mountainous areas from low-lying terrain. Fletcher relished how at home he felt. Memories of his last life on earth were filled with a lot of affection and he knew that he would spend a lot of time right here, on top of his mountain.

Keen to see what else he could find, he hopped a little way down the far side. When he looked out in the distance there was nothing there. All he could see was blue sky that seemed to come all the way down to the ground. He realised that he hadn’t created anything to fill that space yet. He also knew that no matter how many rocks and trees he created, he could always keep making more because there was no limit to the size of his place.

He stopped again to take in his surroundings. He found a little elderberry bush and immediately remembered the time and care he had spent bringing it to life. It was shortly after a lifetime he had lived in South Australia in the Flinders Ranges where Bonnie had been his mother and Silkie had been his sister. Elderberry bushes were quite common in the countryside near where he lived and Fletcher had often marveled at how they produced their fruit as soon as the winter snow disappeared. He had always secretly thought of elderberry bushes as the ‘before and after’ plants. Before the snow melted the bushes were covered in their shiny green leaves, but after the snow melted they burst into flower and then fruit. He had watched this happen year after year. As soon as the snow melted, within three days at the most, the elderberry bushes were covered in flowers and a few days after that they offered an abundance of sweet, juicy fruit.

In the winter when she was just three years old, Silkie had been sick and a cold snap had proven more than she could take. She slipped into unconsciousness in the middle of the night and never woke up. Fletcher never fully recovered from losing Silkie in that lifetime. He had other younger siblings but had never bonded with them the way he had with her. He understood now, of course, that that was because he and Silkie had known each other since long before they were born into that life. But being so young himself, he felt cheated, as if the one kangaroo that he could really be at ease with had been stolen from him.

Eventually he met his own death. It was an interesting one—he was bitten by a snake. He remembered feeling the sharp pain in his leg, watching the snake slither away, noticing the pain dissolve into a tingly sort of numbness and feeling that numbness spread throughout his entire body. When Ariana brought him back to his pod and he saw that Silkie was safe and well, the relief that flooded through his whole being was profound. He had spent his entire life mourning Silkie and yet she was OK after all. He felt like he had wasted the opportunity to live a good life, particularly when he remembered how much time he had spent preparing for it beforehand. 

The contrast in his feelings reminded him of the elderberry bush—before and after. The despair he had felt before he died and the relief as soon as he was reunited with Silkie. This was a real turning point for him, so he had created this elderberry bush so that he would never forget it.

***

Fletcher shuffled slowly from plant to plant, studying each one in detail, remembering what events had led to its creation. He found a tall gum tree and remembered creating it a long time ago, after a lifetime when he and Miles had been brothers for the first time. Miles was older than Fletcher that time around and they had argued a lot when they were growing up. Fletcher smiled as he remembered—their poor mother, who was from another group—had tried everything she could think of to help the two boys get along with each other, but had little success.

Before being born into that life Miles decided that he wanted to practise standing up for himself. He had a tendency to go with the flow and do whatever other kangaroos told him to do, so in that lifetime his goal was to be more assertive and to make his own decisions. In order to practise this, he needed to make sure he would encounter times where he was pushed into difficult situations, so Fletcher had agreed to be his rebellious and argumentative younger brother.

The plan had worked really well. Miles’ quiet nature meant that he usually looked for the smooth, non-confrontational approach but having Fletcher continually pushing him meant that he had to stand up to him. Miles learned a lot in that lifetime. He became stronger and more self-assured, and over a few more lifetimes his new-found strength gradually developed into a mischievous, larrikin streak. Fletcher’s gum tree reminded him of that lifetime and he lay down beneath it and closed his eyes.

He thought of Miles and the difficult time that he was currently going through. The two kangaroos had been close in many lifetimes, mostly as brothers but sometimes as father and son. When they had planned their latest lifetime together both had wanted to explore grief more deeply. Fletcher sure did feel the grief of Martin’s death but Miles got a double dose—first he grieved his father but now he also had to grieve his brother.

Fletcher understood the pain that Miles was feeling and he sent him thoughts of healing and wellbeing. The more Fletcher relaxed, the clearer his mind became. He imagined sitting quietly beside Miles and silently reminding him that everything was OK. He imagined being able to remind him of the truth that lay underneath what was happening—that only through feeling the pain would Miles be able to figure out ways to overcome it. He also imagined explaining to Miles that it was really just an illusion, that all was well and always would be. Fletcher held onto the picture in his mind that he was there with Miles, supporting him and reminding him that one day they would be together again.

Even though Fletcher could have returned to Silkie in an instant, he decided to slowly hop back up the mountain and meander down the other side towards the stream. He hopped around each tree and shrub, remembering each one and the story that it represented. When he reached the bottom he found Silkie waiting for him by the water’s edge.

“Are you ready to go back?” she asked.

Fletcher nodded. “I am. I want to speak to Ariana. I went up to the top of the mountain and remembered my last few lifetimes. I know now what I wanted to get out of my most recent lifetime and I made a few mistakes along the way but I’m ready to talk about them now. So yes, let’s go back.”

“OK, I’ll follow you.”

Fletcher felt more confident finding his way back now. He happily hopped towards the edge of his place and with a clear head he hopped straight through the membrane that formed the outer casing, finding himself in the travel corridor once again. The light was now a vibrant shade of orange. Turning to check that Silkie was with him, he closed his eyes and pictured being back at his pod with Ariana and the rest of the group. When he opened his eyes, the light wasn’t orange but had turned into a pretty shade of pink and he was no longer at his place but back at the group’s pod. He grinned at Silkie, chuffed that he had found his way so easily.

Pressing against the outside of the pod, the wall easily gave way and he and Silkie hopped inside. 

“Not bad,” Silkie said. “It looks like you’ve got the hang of this again.”

Fletcher smiled. “It’s much easier now. The trick is to have a clear mind. If I’m not thinking about anything else I can go wherever I want in an instant. Look, there’s Ariana. I want to talk to her straight away.”

Silkie waved goodbye and went to sit by the rocks, leaving Fletcher to approach Ariana.

“Did you have a nice rest?” Ariana asked.

Fletcher nodded. “I did. It really helped to have some time to myself in my place. Many memories came to me and I can see where my last lifetime fits in relation to others before it. Sitting on top of the mountain helped me see the bigger picture, I guess.”

“That’s good. And you sent Miles some healing too. Keep it up, Fletcher. It will help him to recover more quickly. What did you want to see me about?”

“Many things. I want to talk about what happened in my last life and how I could have done better. You know, all those things that we discussed in my life review? I want to explore how I could have handled them better.”

“I think you need to slow down a bit. It’s great that you’re keen to take all this on but let’s just do one thing at a time, shall we?”

“Oh OK. I suppose that’s a good idea.”

“So, let’s sit down together here and we’ll get started.”

Ariana and Fletcher sat side by side on a patch of grass in the sunlight. “We’ve already established that your key relationships in your life were those with Miles, Shelley and Martin. So, think of a time from your life that you would like to explore and we’ll talk about it.”

“There are so many. I don’t know where to start.”

“Well, seeing as this is all about learning, you would be best served if you thought of a time when things didn’t work out the way you wanted them to. We can pick it up from there and see what might have worked better.”

“OK. Maybe the time when I argued with Mama because I thought she was being too soft on Sonny. I felt so bad about that and I wish I hadn’t spoken to her the way I did. Is that a good place to start?”

“Indeed it is. Let’s remember the context. This was only a year or so after Martin’s death, so you were all still feeling quite raw. You had stepped up and taken on a fatherly role with both Sonny and Teresa.”

“That’s right. And Sonny was a very energetic young boy. He had been fighting with Teresa and he hit her. Teresa came crying to Mama and all Mama did was have a few stern words with Sonny. After that she let him go.”

“And you disagreed?”

“I did. I thought behaviour like that needed to be nipped in the bud. If Mama had roused on Sonny and made it clear that what he did was wrong, he would have understood that his behaviour wasn’t good enough. But I actually think all he learned that day was that he could get away with being naughty.”

“And how did you feel?”

“I felt angry. Outraged. When Miles and I were young we knew very clearly what we were allowed to do and I felt that Sonny needed clear guidelines too.”

“And how did you respond?”

“I yelled at Mama. I wish I hadn’t but I was so angry it all just seemed to burst out of me.”

“OK, so I think we have a good idea of what happened so now we can consider some other possible outcomes. There’s no right or wrong here Fletcher, it’s simply about noticing options that you couldn’t see at the time.”

“I definitely could have done better.”

“All right, so what might you have done differently?”

Fletcher thought for a moment. He really wanted to find a solution to this situation. “Instead of expecting Mama to carry out the punishment, if I felt so strongly that Sonny needed to be punished I could have done it myself.”

“That’s true. And do you think that would have been better in the long run?”

“Probably. It was my idea, so yes, it makes sense that I take responsibility for it rather than expecting Mama to just do what I wanted.”

“And what else might you have done?”

“I could have…. I could have spoken to Mama in a calmer tone. I shouldn’t have lost my cool. She was the parent so in a way it makes more sense for her to handle the heavy discipline like that but I could have spoken to her about it rather than losing my temper.”

“What might you have said?”

“Something like, ‘Mama, don’t you think you need to be a bit harder on Sonny? Don’t you think he needs to learn that hitting Teresa isn’t OK?’”

“And do you think that would have been effective?”

“It would have been way better than what I actually said.”

“OK. You’ve come up with some good options but you need to keep working on them. I want you to keep thinking about this, Fletcher. See if you can think of one or two more ways in which you might have handled the situation and we’ll talk about it again soon.”

“Thanks,” Fletcher said. “I feel a lot better about it already. I don’t really like the way I behaved but it’s good to understand that there are plenty of other ways the situation could have been resolved.”

“That’s right. We’ll try them out and you can see which ones work best. It’s all good experience but I’ll remind you again that there’s no right way or wrong way. It’s more about exploring options. The more you get to understand situations of conflict while you’re here, the more you can draw on that knowledge in future lifetimes on earth.”

***

“Hello everybody.” Ariana looked around the group and smiled warmly at each kangaroo sitting before her. “We meet again. Last time we came together we talked about acceptance and I asked each of you to give that some thought in your own time. Does anyone have anything to offer to the group before we get started on today’s topic?”

Rachel was the first to speak. “I’ve thought about it a lot and yes, I think acceptance will really help. In my last lifetime when my sister died I refused to accept it. I felt it was so unfair and I kept asking myself why would such a sweet kangaroo have to die so young. Acceptance was far from my mind but I would have felt a whole lot better if I could have looked at the situation differently.”

“The trouble is,” Bonnie added, “that when we’re alive we don’t really know what’s going on. It’s fine to sit here, knowing that our lives have a plan and that we’re going to come back to our groups and talk about what we could have done better, but down on earth we can’t remember any of that. Every time I incarnate I really believe that death is the end. I wish I had some way to remind myself that death doesn’t really exist but I forget every single time.”

The kangaroos thought silently as they digested what Bonnie was saying.

“And that is exactly the point,” Ariana said. “You’re not meant to remember. If you could remember about living for eternity and meeting up again after life, then losing someone you love wouldn’t hurt nearly as much. It would still hurt but a big part of grief is the sense of the unknown. And that’s how it’s meant to be. So, taking that into account, what could you do to help process the pain?”

Ivan spoke next. “There’s no easy way. Grief hurts and that can’t be changed.”

“If it can’t be changed, what’s the point of trying?” Laura asked.

“I didn’t mean it quite the way it sounded,” Ivan replied. “I just wonder if we can really learn to cope with grief better. I’m not sure that we can.”

“We must be able to,” Daniel said. “We’ve all been working on it for a long time now. In my last lifetime I handled it better than what I did at the start, that’s for sure.”

“But how?” I van asked. “What did you do differently?”

“I wasn’t aware that I was doing anything differently,” Daniel answered, “because of course I couldn’t remember my previous lifetimes while I was alive. But I didn’t get as angry and I didn’t take my pain out on my family like I did in earlier times. To me, that feels like progress.”

Bonnie spoke again. “I think time helps. Daniel just said he could see improvement in his own lifetimes and if we keep working on grief together, here, then when we go to earth, we’ll be better prepared. Surely that will help.”

Ariana smiled. “Yes it will. As you analyse grief and practise different methods of processing it, all that experience will serve you well when you are next alive on earth. And you will have more grief to work on, we’ll make sure of that. But the effort you put in now will build your strength and your understanding.”

“So, what about acceptance?” Bonnie asked. “Does that still matter, or do we just have to let time pass and hope that we gradually cope better, even though we don’t really know what we’re doing?”

Ariana looked around the group, making eye contact with each kangaroo. “Acceptance is key to it all. Every discussion we have, every situation we talk about and every scene that you work on will strengthen your ability to cope with grief. Yes, the progress is slow, but look how far you have all come in roughly five or so lifetimes. You’ve all improved tremendously already. But now I want you to focus on acceptance—don’t fight against death, but understand that it is part of the natural order of things. The more you assimilate this idea while you’re here, the more you will understand it while you are alive. And that will help—it will help you handle your emotions, it will help you recover more quickly and it will help you remain calm during painful times.

“Let’s use an example. Fletcher, could you come forward please?”

Fletcher stood up. He had been wondering if the group would help him with his own experience and it seemed the answer was yes.

“Fletcher’s just recently joined us from a lifetime where he grieved the death of his father Martin. Fletcher, can you tell us a little bit about your grieving process?”

“Certainly.” He told the group about his family and the personalities of each member. Of course they already knew, but it helped to say it out loud. He described the relationships he had with his parents and his siblings. “My dad was very strict and I felt intimidated by him. I was scared of doing the wrong thing around him so I never really felt that we were close. But as well as that, I always wanted to make him proud of me. I tried so hard but it never felt like enough.

“And then he died. I was fully grown by then but only just. I didn’t have a clue how to handle the emotions I was feeling. We talked about guilt last time we gathered together and I definitely felt that. I felt I had let him down and I regretted that I didn’t try harder to be a good son.”

Ariana rose to her feet. “Thanks Fletcher. Now we want to explore ideas that might help improve the situation that you have described. Does anyone have a suggestion for Fletcher about what he could have done?”

“The obvious thing,” Rachel said, “is that you could have stood up to him. Martin clearly was far from perfect but he provided a good opportunity for you to speak your own thoughts.”

Fletcher’s shoulders slumped. “Gee,” he said with a half-smile. “You sure know how to make a guy feel good about himself.”

Rachel smiled warmly. “We all know how it feels. Standing up for yourself can be one of the hardest things to do. But I still think it would have helped you improve your relationship with him.”

“Or,” Silkie added, “you could practise not blaming yourself. There will always be kangaroos around us behaving in ways we don’t like. You took on a lot of that blame—maybe that’s what you have to deal with here.”

“Thanks Rachel and Silkie. Two excellent approaches. They give us a lot to work with. So Rachel, could you join us up here? Let’s take your idea and see if we can help Fletcher find ways in which he could have stood up to Martin. You play the role of Martin and Fletcher, you play the role of yourself.”

Rachel stood beside Fletcher and thought about what to say. She threw her shoulders back, cleared her throat and said in a firm voice, “No Fletcher! Not like that. I’ve told you so many times!”

Fletcher wasn’t really sure where Rachel was going with this. “What? What did I do?”

“The way you just spoke to your brother. That’s not the way we speak. Apologise at once!”

“I…. I’m sorry.” Fletcher could already feel some of the emotion that he felt when his dad was angry with him. He tried to sink more fully into those feelings of hurt and despair. “I’m sorry, Miles. You know I was only mucking around, don’t you?”

“Miles looks up to you,” Rachel continued. “I expect you to set a good example.”

Fletcher knew that the scene Rachel was creating was very close to what had happened in his last life. At this point in the conversation, he would typically do whatever his dad told him to do, then go somewhere quiet by himself and sulk. But not this time. He had to try something new.

“But it was all in good fun, Dad. I didn’t mean any harm.” 

He felt quite bold speaking back to his father in this way. It felt unfamiliar and a bit disorienting.

“That’s just as well. But next time, take it easy, OK?”

Fletcher looked up in surprise. He looked at Rachel, then Ariana.

Rachel laughed. “Fletcher, the look on your face is priceless. What are you thinking about?”

“I thought that when I stood up to my dad, he would slam me down again. But he didn’t—I mean, you didn’t. You just told me to take it easy.”

Ariana responded before Rachel had a chance to say anything. “Sometimes we are surprised by the way other kangaroos react, especially when we change our behaviour towards them. It’s good for you to see, Fletcher, that even though you were expecting Martin to rouse on you, the scenario was resolved in a much better way simply because you stood up for yourself.”

“And I only did it in a really small way.”

“It was enough though. So, take that idea away with you and keep working on it. Thank you Rachel. You played the role perfectly. Silkie, would you join us now please?”

Rachel sat down and Silkie came to the front.

“Silkie, your idea was for Fletcher to be more accepting and to not feel so guilty when being reprimanded by Martin. Let’s act out the same situation. You play the role of Martin this time, and Fletcher, I want you to experiment with how you respond.”

“OK,” Silkie said. “So, it’s still about Martin telling Fletcher off for the way he spoke to Miles?”

“Exactly,” Ariana nodded.

Silkie faced Fletcher and frowned. “No Fletcher! Not like that. I’ve told you so many times!”

“What did I do?” Fletcher asked.

“The way you just spoke to your brother. That’s not the way we speak. Apologise at once!”

“Sorry Miles,” Fletcher said quickly. He paused. “Now what?” he asked Ariana.

“Now, it’s mostly about the way you feel. Try not to go into feeling really guilty. Have a bit of fun with it.”

Fletcher pretended he was still talking to Miles. “Hey, little brother, you’re OK, aren’t you? I didn’t mean any harm.”

Silkie quickly stepped into the role of Miles. “Of course I am. You know me—always up for a laugh.”

Fletcher was happy enough with Silkie’s response on behalf of Miles but he wasn’t sure what Martin would have to say about it. He asked Ariana, “What would my dad say then?”

“Let’s put it to the group. Does anyone have any ideas? How might Martin react?”

“I don’t think there’s much he could say,” Rachel offered. “Clearly the boys are both fine, so  he’d just have to get over it.”

Ariana smiled. “Perhaps they’re not the exact words I would have chosen but your thinking is on track. The tension has been diffused and the whole tone of the conversation has changed from anger to boys just wanting to have fun. Well done, everyone. Fletcher, does that help?”

“Oh yes, it’s given me plenty to think about. In both cases, I didn’t even need to say very much. It was more about being aware of my emotions and processing them in a more productive way. I’ll practise that, for sure.”